Reflections: Overdose or Under-Dose Parenting

‘When water is calm like in deep lake, we see everything clearly! But when water is turbulent like on hills/ slopes, we don't see any reflections.

Reflections in clam water; analogous to Calm Mind

Our mind is similar... if we are calm in situations, we can reflect clearly and then respond rather than reacting’ --- This was a casual conversation one morning with friends in context to some situation. I jokingly shared these photos from my gallery too.. (posting them here too...). But this thought took me to conversations  I routinely have with parents as part of the correction/ therapy programs I provide. So writing this blogpost some food for thought in holidays, hopefully when most of can be like a calm lake and can reflect...

Turbulent River; analogous to agitated state of mind

We parents most of the time, are a turbulent river... And we think our kids are driving us this way , as if they are the slope on which we are flowing! 

I guess many parents specially mothers would agree with me... but I am sure all will also agree that children only look up to parents and imitate behaviours. World doesn’t take a BIG circle here...

We know that the child is dependent on parent for love, tender care and nurturing in infancy years... these needs grow and change as child grows. Parental response changes to nurture the child. Problem arises IF parenting approach is too much or too less nurturing...

I draw the analogy of parental care & nurturing to  food & nutrition, so we can correlate better: When child is fed a well balanced diet they remain healthy. But imbalance happens when out of love, child is over fed or even forced fed out of love in initial years, then over eating becomes the need of the child leading to health issues at tender age... Same goes to support that we provide to child, out of love we may end up doing everything for the child thinking they are small and we rob their opportunity to learn to be independent and later we burn out and end up being like a turbulent river...

Similarly, Excessive support with lots of expectations can be compared to an imbalance diet like feeding child  with fast food and then thinking why they are not up to the mark, or why overweight etc. We don’t want that to happen, right? 

In another situation children could  ‘starve’ inspite of being well fed! Why? Because some of  their ‘basic needs’ are suppressed with the high performance expectation barrier or other reasons, there could be many. 

Though intention of parents whatever the case may be is almost always in the best interest of the child. Our judgements are based on our own conditioning and biases, the same may not always hold good for our children as they are in current times much different from we have grown up in. So, Ironically this ‘best interest’  is where all the imbalances occur leading to many issues faced by the child. And these issues become more complex & quite deep rooted as a child grows into an adult. These can potentially turn into low self-esteem, lack of confidence, lack of zeal etc.  Such imbalances often create behaviour issues in childhood and may translate into personality issues into adulthood leading into self inflicting or dangerous behaviour. Situation worsens when the child had learning differences or any other such challenges .

I see this in most of the cases I deal with.  I will site some practical examples from real life situations to elaborate further:

Scenario 1: Pushing on the edge 

Parent of a child with learning differences strive to provide all round support by all means. In order to encourage the child and not let them feel they are any less then peers. The child is pushed to try harder and harder... Absolutely no problem here... unless the child gets sound bytes like “This is not tough at all... children even with lesser capability than you can do this, so you can certainly do it better” 

Problem here; it  translates to the child something like, “Oh! I can’t even do easier things, I am no good.”

Or 

“I'm good for nothing, cannot even do simple things” .

The worst one: 

“I don't bring joy & pride to my parents”.

Now, we as parents may tell our child hundred times how much we love and care for them... but this interpreted learning remains with them as killer of their self esteem.. 

So what can be done:

As parents, if we can genuinely keep ourselves into child’s place and identify ourselves with their needs and feelings, that would help change the perspective. 

Try to re-phrase your sentences where you completely empathise with the child and show an understating towards their problems. Example; ‘ I understand how it feels when we are not able to do certain things as expected of us, but only the ones who try till they get it right are the winners, no matter what it takes. And I am always here when you need  help”.

Scenario 2- Well fed but Starving 

Mom complains that the child doesn't listen and is not ready to do any required activities like school homework, self-study etc but wastes  time watching TV and playing. The question is Why the child who was ever eager to learn new things as a preschooler starts doing so now at age eight or more…

Iaonnis Tzivanakis 

This scenario, reminds me to the learning I got in a very profound lecture by Ioannis Tzivanakis, I was fortunate to attend to at the recent Davis International Symposium in UK. Because it had answers to such problems! 

Ioannis, highlighted how important is attunement to inner receptivity... In simple terms: understanding and being aware of the core needs of the child and creating and environment where these needs are nurtured.

Another key point which I got as great learning from his lecture was: Let the child bloom by revealing themselves. 

Ioannis explained: learning engagement happens when curiosity is arised, creativity gets nourished, feeling of self acceptance arises, being loved and safety is provided.  

On the other hand, we avoid anything that we fear, any thing that causes confusion and we avoid boredom. All causes of disengagement.

This sounds so logical and is a natural response, but when the child expresses it in his own way, we find it illogical. 

So what can be done:

We don’t want the situation as described above where the child has reached the state of revolt as his some needs are starved, his creativity or curiosity is not fed enough.. his disengagement with activities as expected of him is result of him feeling deprived of what he wants and the expected activities do not feed curiosity etc. 

Such a child needs assurance and activity which is not inducing boredom to get engaged with. As parents only we can take clues and from child by listening intently and not judging them with our conditional biases. Let the child boom by revealing themselves.

Well…I guess this is enough food for thought to go over the holiday season. I am eagerly waiting for the arrival of the new book titled ‘ADHD decoded', by Ioannis Tzivanakis. I was lucky to have few interactions with him, any advice he makes is full of profound wisdom earned through extensive experience and deep research (you can visit his website www.tzivanakis.com). I am sure the book will have deep insights.

Ioannis Tzivanakis in Malvern, UK, 2018, Giving his lecture ADHD and Life Lessons

For people interested in more insights, I would recommend following readings:

• Strong-willed child or dreamer? 

By Dr. Dana Scott Spears & Dr. Ron L Braun

https://www.amazon.com/Strong-Willed-Child-Dreamer-Dana-Spears/dp/0785277005

• ADHD Decoded

By - Ioannis Tzivanakis - http://www.adhddecoded.com

PS-1: “ADHD Decoded" just arrived! :)

PS-2: Ioannis also accepted my request for an interview… In my blog post :)) So keep watching.. I am excited!