Reflections: Overdose or Under-Dose Parenting

‘When water is calm like in deep lake, we see everything clearly! But when water is turbulent like on hills/ slopes, we don't see any reflections.

Reflections in clam water; analogous to Calm Mind

Our mind is similar... if we are calm in situations, we can reflect clearly and then respond rather than reacting’ --- This was a casual conversation one morning with friends in context to some situation. I jokingly shared these photos from my gallery too.. (posting them here too...). But this thought took me to conversations  I routinely have with parents as part of the correction/ therapy programs I provide. So writing this blogpost some food for thought in holidays, hopefully when most of can be like a calm lake and can reflect...

Turbulent River; analogous to agitated state of mind

We parents most of the time, are a turbulent river... And we think our kids are driving us this way , as if they are the slope on which we are flowing! 

I guess many parents specially mothers would agree with me... but I am sure all will also agree that children only look up to parents and imitate behaviours. World doesn’t take a BIG circle here...

We know that the child is dependent on parent for love, tender care and nurturing in infancy years... these needs grow and change as child grows. Parental response changes to nurture the child. Problem arises IF parenting approach is too much or too less nurturing...

I draw the analogy of parental care & nurturing to  food & nutrition, so we can correlate better: When child is fed a well balanced diet they remain healthy. But imbalance happens when out of love, child is over fed or even forced fed out of love in initial years, then over eating becomes the need of the child leading to health issues at tender age... Same goes to support that we provide to child, out of love we may end up doing everything for the child thinking they are small and we rob their opportunity to learn to be independent and later we burn out and end up being like a turbulent river...

Similarly, Excessive support with lots of expectations can be compared to an imbalance diet like feeding child  with fast food and then thinking why they are not up to the mark, or why overweight etc. We don’t want that to happen, right? 

In another situation children could  ‘starve’ inspite of being well fed! Why? Because some of  their ‘basic needs’ are suppressed with the high performance expectation barrier or other reasons, there could be many. 

Though intention of parents whatever the case may be is almost always in the best interest of the child. Our judgements are based on our own conditioning and biases, the same may not always hold good for our children as they are in current times much different from we have grown up in. So, Ironically this ‘best interest’  is where all the imbalances occur leading to many issues faced by the child. And these issues become more complex & quite deep rooted as a child grows into an adult. These can potentially turn into low self-esteem, lack of confidence, lack of zeal etc.  Such imbalances often create behaviour issues in childhood and may translate into personality issues into adulthood leading into self inflicting or dangerous behaviour. Situation worsens when the child had learning differences or any other such challenges .

I see this in most of the cases I deal with.  I will site some practical examples from real life situations to elaborate further:

Scenario 1: Pushing on the edge 

Parent of a child with learning differences strive to provide all round support by all means. In order to encourage the child and not let them feel they are any less then peers. The child is pushed to try harder and harder... Absolutely no problem here... unless the child gets sound bytes like “This is not tough at all... children even with lesser capability than you can do this, so you can certainly do it better” 

Problem here; it  translates to the child something like, “Oh! I can’t even do easier things, I am no good.”

Or 

“I'm good for nothing, cannot even do simple things” .

The worst one: 

“I don't bring joy & pride to my parents”.

Now, we as parents may tell our child hundred times how much we love and care for them... but this interpreted learning remains with them as killer of their self esteem.. 

So what can be done:

As parents, if we can genuinely keep ourselves into child’s place and identify ourselves with their needs and feelings, that would help change the perspective. 

Try to re-phrase your sentences where you completely empathise with the child and show an understating towards their problems. Example; ‘ I understand how it feels when we are not able to do certain things as expected of us, but only the ones who try till they get it right are the winners, no matter what it takes. And I am always here when you need  help”.

Scenario 2- Well fed but Starving 

Mom complains that the child doesn't listen and is not ready to do any required activities like school homework, self-study etc but wastes  time watching TV and playing. The question is Why the child who was ever eager to learn new things as a preschooler starts doing so now at age eight or more…

Iaonnis Tzivanakis 

This scenario, reminds me to the learning I got in a very profound lecture by Ioannis Tzivanakis, I was fortunate to attend to at the recent Davis International Symposium in UK. Because it had answers to such problems! 

Ioannis, highlighted how important is attunement to inner receptivity... In simple terms: understanding and being aware of the core needs of the child and creating and environment where these needs are nurtured.

Another key point which I got as great learning from his lecture was: Let the child bloom by revealing themselves. 

Ioannis explained: learning engagement happens when curiosity is arised, creativity gets nourished, feeling of self acceptance arises, being loved and safety is provided.  

On the other hand, we avoid anything that we fear, any thing that causes confusion and we avoid boredom. All causes of disengagement.

This sounds so logical and is a natural response, but when the child expresses it in his own way, we find it illogical. 

So what can be done:

We don’t want the situation as described above where the child has reached the state of revolt as his some needs are starved, his creativity or curiosity is not fed enough.. his disengagement with activities as expected of him is result of him feeling deprived of what he wants and the expected activities do not feed curiosity etc. 

Such a child needs assurance and activity which is not inducing boredom to get engaged with. As parents only we can take clues and from child by listening intently and not judging them with our conditional biases. Let the child boom by revealing themselves.

Well…I guess this is enough food for thought to go over the holiday season. I am eagerly waiting for the arrival of the new book titled ‘ADHD decoded', by Ioannis Tzivanakis. I was lucky to have few interactions with him, any advice he makes is full of profound wisdom earned through extensive experience and deep research (you can visit his website www.tzivanakis.com). I am sure the book will have deep insights.

Ioannis Tzivanakis in Malvern, UK, 2018, Giving his lecture ADHD and Life Lessons

For people interested in more insights, I would recommend following readings:

• Strong-willed child or dreamer? 

By Dr. Dana Scott Spears & Dr. Ron L Braun

https://www.amazon.com/Strong-Willed-Child-Dreamer-Dana-Spears/dp/0785277005

• ADHD Decoded

By - Ioannis Tzivanakis - http://www.adhddecoded.com

PS-1: “ADHD Decoded" just arrived! :)

PS-2: Ioannis also accepted my request for an interview… In my blog post :)) So keep watching.. I am excited!

Focus vs concentration; Some Disruptive learning Strategies – DLS

Are Focus & Concentration interchangeable terms and same processes? How they affect our learning?

We often say ‘Concentrate hard you will get it’ or ‘You need to concentrate on work/ studies if you want to be something in life’. Parents and teachers look for ways and means to increase concentration. Have we ever thought what concentration is and how do we achieve it? More so WHY THERE IS EVEN NEED TO CONCENTRATE?

Most of us would respond saying; ‘Yes! Of course, we need to concentrate… the child need to concentrate otherwise how they will score marks or something better’ or ‘Because they don’t concentrate they make mistakes’ and so on… which are probably right answers till we release and understand ; What is that we are wanting to achieve?

So let's take few minutes here to reflect; Remember those experiences when you are engrossed in any activity be it reading an intense novel, watching a deep thoughtful movie, painting, singing for your soul.. There can be numerous such activities. When the engagement is from core such that you are so engrossed and forget everything else, these are most joyful moments for our soul! Take a moment to realise were we forcing us to concentrate for this joyous experience?

You see the point! So what is it that is making such engagement possible? We know it well… our heart was in it… We were focused on the activity or pursuit of it… When we are focused on something we apply our all our resources physical and mental to the task with most ease without any external force. When we are focused we pursue the activity as a long term endeavor. Whereas ‘concentration’ is transactional. It is characterised by external forced.

So, our kids be better with Focus on their studies or Concentration! Of course answer is Focus ! So next question is - How that becomes possible?

For that we would want our kids to love and endure the learning process. The good news is ; IT IS POSSIBLE! And right from the age of pre-primary classes.

Denial Goleman (2013). 'Focus: The Hidden Driver Of Excellence'

Denial Goleman, author of famous book Emotion Intelligence, in his book on 'Focus: The Hidden Driver of Excellence', emphasis on how now more than ever we must learn to sharpen focus to meet the ever increasing demands of complex world we are in today.

Young children at that age are made for playing in the open but class room setting requires them to sit confined to their allotted seats; the first detractor.. how will they enjoy the classroom! And the dangerous Smartphone menace; child is pacified these days by handing over a smartphone to watch videos before they even start walking...there can be countless examples to note that how much we need to teach our kids the important life skill FOCUS so they can direct their attention on learning, and of course the challenge is to make learning interesting and a creative process.

Yes something can be done about it… This can happen by deploying efficient classroom Management techniques, by teaching effective learning methods to children. Methods which provide the following –

1. Providing them a self-directed ability to stay on task with focus.
2. Mechanism to maintain their physical energy appropriate for the task at hand. 
3. Engage them by letting them using their creativity in every learning task.
4. Confidence to make mistakes. (Mistakes are learning opportunities
5. Reach out to kids to every learning style can be exploited.

All above points are The recipe for generating lifelong love for learning in children and satisfaction galore to teachers….

Where we get these methods! We adults’; teachers and parents will have to unlearn and learn many ways of dealing with kids… but at the same time these are simple enough to learn and implement. Sure these are disruptive.

What am I talking about here; These Davis Learning Strategies - DLS, the methods developed in California in 1993, by Ronald D Davis and Sharron Pfeiffer (www.davislearn.com) . Since then these methods are followed across the world in many schools and each such school has a great success story to share.

I personally got opportunity to mentor teachers at an international school in Chennai, India and recently at a charity run school in Mumbai. In both the schools my experience has been amazing and much rewarding. These schools fall on a wide range of spectrum from size, scale and resources. But when you talk of kids they are same energetic bundle of enthusiastic learners and the teachers, the dedicated souls who try to make all ends meet to provide their best to let kids bloom.

Teachers find these strategies as answers to the missing puzzle piece what they were looking for e.g. Being able to reach all the students out equally,

Want every child to apply their creativity,

Want them to love their studies,

Not want to get them board….

These are some of the actual answers from teachers when I ask them what single most important thing that they feel they would to make different for their students. During the training, they could reflect on the all practical difficulties they face in the classroom and could relate to make their teaching more effective by applying these methods.

What more can be a proof that teachers happily came early to school than their scheduled time, so they can attend training to learn the techniques which they saw spelling wonders on the kids in the classrooms, when I volunteered to take 1 period to teach some of these strategies to children. Now if I need to tell how children felt; where do I start to describe the enthusiasm and fun children had in the classroom. It will be subject for another blogpost J

These are my personal experience examples. In the recent International Davis Symposium I got chance to meet many facilitators/ teachers who are instrumental in bringing a sea change in the way education in being given in schools. In particular a group from New Zealand, their success story was a tale of their determination and resolve… they are now in the process of talks with their education ministry to provide funding as more and more teachers what to get trained. Here is the link to a TV documentary film that says all….
https://www.facebook.com/202530493222647/videos/920134424795580/

My personal vision is to reach out as many children and teachers as possible and impact them this lifelong learning skills… so we nurture innovators, inventors, artists and happy humans for tomorrow! So, if you are a teacher or parent or associated with schools in anyway, please reach out... lets scribe a success story of ours! 

Fixing The Root Cause

In continuation to my previous post on 6th Davis International Symposium, UK. Here is another interesting point that I feel worth sharing with everyone –

This is from one of the lectures that Ronald D Davis gave, it was actually a Q & A session with him  (I will refer him as Ron, that is what everyone fondly calls him). When Ron speaks, every phrase is a nugget of wisdom and the beauty is the simplicity of it...This is really a profound one; he related the efficacy of the methods that he has deviced to his engineering background (another ‘wow’ moment for me; my background is same as his… :) 

Summary of what he said something like, ‘Engineers solve a problem by creating something. Then other engineers will later work on solving more problems which got created by creating ‘that' something… and the cycle goes on… but if we work to find the root cause which created the problem at the first place & fix that root cause… the problem will cease to exist.' (All my engineer friends listening…;)


I am so sure all who are reading this, are able to relate to this; our day in day out agony… At work place  or in life, where problems are everyday life reality, to find the root cause & fix that root cause is of extreme importance rather then just creating new solutions. New solutions without fixing the root issue only complicate situations sooner or later, as new solutions will have their own set of problems  induced with the root cause lying breathing there to surface in another form… it is as scary as it sounds.

In business organisations the buzz word remains RCA acca Root Cause Analysis…  at my previous  workplace I remember the emphasis laid on digging out the right root cause & fixing it, we all know when leakage is plugged at wrong place and not from the source itself, that may simply burst the pipe someday... 

When it comes to learning problems like difficulties faced in learning to read, reading comprehension , spellings, writing, understanding math, behaviour problems, attention problem etc the same concept applies. We have named these symptoms Dyslexia, Dyscalculia, Dysgraphia, Dyspraxia, ADHD and so on...  

What we see the difficulty in certain areas of learning & behaviour that itself is not a problem… it is just a symptom. Applying methods to correct the Symptom may work but for short term…. The person will keep fighting the symptom with root cause still unplugged, will eventually continue suffering in some way or the other. 

Like if your doctor only gives you painkiller when you have a headache and no further diagnosis is carried out… you will feel have false belief of being cured as along as you take headache pills & eventually even headache pills will no longer work one fine day… that time you have no choice but to go and find out root cause of the headache & get best treatment. Only sad part is the process you suffer so much pain & stress… not far to imagine other complications that may arise! Case of learning difficulty is no different....

Problem is; most parents, educators, and sufferers themselves aren't much aware, so they try their best for warding off the symptoms rather then taking root cause corrections. Root cause correction will be for life long… symptoms corrections are temporary and also not empowering! 

Fortunately Ron could figure this out an worked out the methods to correct his own problems and then later these methods as we know today have helped millions of people across the world. Davis methods always work because they address root cause & apply specific correction method based on the person’s learning styles. It also provide tools for lifelong learning. These tools allows the person to explore their creativity & analytical thinking.  

There is huge difference in knowing the facts & understanding them. Knowing the facts does not make a person essentially capable of applying that knowledge back. This is because they have not learn it though their experience rather they just know it… And many people who fail to learn with  traditional teaching methods, do so because they are wired for real learning not mere reproducing the facts…If you feel this explanation is theoretical .. let's considered example of swimming. If youdecide to learn swimming you may watch many lessons on you tube and may read books with titles ‘How to…’ you will become fully aware of all aspects of swimming, but still I doubt you will get confidence to get into water and start swimming until you take & feel the experience of swimming in water yourself… This is a physical activity so we can relate very well & identify with it better… But process of learning is same irrespective of the subject.

In methods that we teach during 5 day program, experiential learning is taught. The person learns a powerful techniques which can be applied on any subject that they want to master.

Techniques available in a five day program also helps a person becoming more aware of themselves. And that changes a lot in a person from within… 

If you are interested in learning more about these methods, please feel free to contact me would be happy to share more .

Judgements cost heavy!

If you judge someone, you have no time to love them. -Mother Teresa. 

As I read this quote by Mother Teresa it occurs to me; great souls draw their wisdom out of compassion and empathy for fellow humans. The wisdom, that most of us common humans lack! The irony is that it is we who need it badly! We all have our own biases and judgments based on our experiences, observations and our understandings, which we consider as our ‘wisdom’. Now the problem is, these may seem as facilitating factors, but if you think a bit deeply they are infact limiting factors. More a person seem to have  gained the so called 'wisdom' in life, more steadfast their judgments are! This is because we are constrained by what we already know and we make conclusions on that basis. The problem lies when one chooses not to seek information with open mind, but prefers to or is quick to assume and establish prejudices... and here arises the vicious chain reaction of misunderstandings, mistrust, anger and the spiral of all negative emotions... Our judgments (both positive and negative) have negative effect on our decisions and decisions of the person being judged. This has significant impact on the relationships, and productivity in general. You can create a parallel in any situation be it a boss-subordinate, husband-wife, friends… but most significant in terms of impact is that of parent-child.  You will be surprised to know how judgments not only create bias but deprive mutual trust to thrive, and often result in unwarranted behaviour. I see this in many cases I come across during my counselling services. In these sessions, I conduct an informal interview in a very non- judgmental environment with parent and child separately, it helps each individual to open up and state the facts as per their own views. These conversations throw light onto many aspects and connect many dots to reveal complete picture. Below is one such peculiar case which I remember very categorically and would like share as an example.  This was around 4 years back a parent approached for correction of reading and writing problems of their very energetic and enthusiastic nine year old child, studying in grade 4.  While telling about child's behaviour mother mentioned how impertinent and insensitive attention seeking behaviour he has developed, specially towards her. She narrated an incident where how the child behaved when she had taken him for swimming along with his sister and his cousins who were at their place for holiday. Mother narrated the incident; All four kids were swimming and enjoying the play time in the pool, suddenly she noticed her son is not there with other kids…when she asked, they too were taken by surprise, a while back they all were playing together! … they all looked around in the  pool, then in changing rooms, other play areas in the club house…the search went frenetic as they couldn't find him anywhere in the club! By now she was in tears and terribly worried and started getting all sorts of negative thoughts… the club manager was equally worried & all guards were searching and looking into all corners.... And then,  just as she was about to call police, she saw her son waving and coming out of the big container kept at the rear end of the lobby for wet towels. When enquired how he reached there and what was he doing in the container? The response from the son was not just quirky but beyond her imagination! He said, 'I was hiding there purposely and I am happy to see you worried and crying!'  It was but very natural for the mother to get angry and felt hurt too… As a concerned mother she was very much worried about such unexpected behaviour! Friends, Now I will tell you the other part, what son shared; During the interview child revealed; he feels unwanted as mother gives all attention to his sister and fulfils all her demands all the time, whereas he is told to understand, as he is the elder one....'She ask me to wait when I ask for food even when I am hungry, at times, where as she was serving very promptly to my cousins when they were here…' There were many such complaints..the list was long!  Child shared, ‘I know my mother loves me but I don’t know why she ignores me’.  He narrated, how he once he went hiding on purpose in an empty tank, after sneaking out from the swimming pool when his cousins were here for holiday and mother had taken all the kids for swimming. He said he wanted to test if his mother takes a notice that he is missing or will realise only after reaching home. He told, he came out from hiding after hearing his mom talking to someone in chocked throat and was shouting at them that where a little child can go from the club? What is your security doing?... He said, 'I could not control his happiness to learn that mother really cares about me! But, when I told her she got very angry and slapped me in front of everyone'. Friends, can you see how the dots connect! And what picture do you see now?  Such situations are often classified as attention seeking negative behaviour, destructive psychology etc etc.. but if we see carefully, at the root, it is insecurity! If it is addressed early then we can prevent developing them into a troubled teenager or an adult with negative mindset... If the child is facing some learning problems or have some other issues, judgemental parenting often gives the problem a different dimension.  Parents need to remove the filters of their biases in terms of assuming reasons for certain behaviours, instead they must develop a safe and trusting environment by respecting the child’s views and gaining mutual trust by talking to children and taking them in full confidence. When you are willing to listen they will tell.. when you judge them they will mask their true feelings...  Most often our judgments are derived from expectations we secretly harbor for our off -springs. Many times I hear parents saying things like; 'We both were toppers throughout so how can we expect our child to be average in academics' , or 'I am an avid reader, how come my child doesn't like books?' or 'We are a family of mathematics scholars how can I allow my child to pursue music, there is no future in it'… Once a mother shared, 'All in our family are achievers I can’t face them if my son shows such poor performance in academics'!!! Some sound bytes for judgmental parenting most of us can identify are; ‘Don’t be lazy, finish up the home work fast’, ‘All the laziness kicks in only when it comes to studies', ‘Why you can’t get such simple stuff! Don’t fool with me’, ‘You didn't gave your 100 percent , your result is showing it!’ And many more such comments…. It would be much effective and peaceful if we help our kids setting goals & priorities, but these must be set based on child’s best interest not our own desire and wishful thinking. I would end this article with this simple yet quite profound quote ‘Be curious, not judgemental’ by a great writer and poet Walt Whitman. If we are curious we will make all efforts to seek the information with open mind. Our decisions will be more practical and life will be peaceful for ourselves and our children. Thank you for reading and hope you found this writeup interesting and useful.Please share it if you know it may help someone to change their perspective. I would love to hear your stories and thoughts on this topic, you can share here in the messages section.