Reflections: Overdose or Under-Dose Parenting

‘When water is calm like in deep lake, we see everything clearly! But when water is turbulent like on hills/ slopes, we don't see any reflections.

Reflections in clam water; analogous to Calm Mind

Our mind is similar... if we are calm in situations, we can reflect clearly and then respond rather than reacting’ --- This was a casual conversation one morning with friends in context to some situation. I jokingly shared these photos from my gallery too.. (posting them here too...). But this thought took me to conversations  I routinely have with parents as part of the correction/ therapy programs I provide. So writing this blogpost some food for thought in holidays, hopefully when most of can be like a calm lake and can reflect...

Turbulent River; analogous to agitated state of mind

We parents most of the time, are a turbulent river... And we think our kids are driving us this way , as if they are the slope on which we are flowing! 

I guess many parents specially mothers would agree with me... but I am sure all will also agree that children only look up to parents and imitate behaviours. World doesn’t take a BIG circle here...

We know that the child is dependent on parent for love, tender care and nurturing in infancy years... these needs grow and change as child grows. Parental response changes to nurture the child. Problem arises IF parenting approach is too much or too less nurturing...

I draw the analogy of parental care & nurturing to  food & nutrition, so we can correlate better: When child is fed a well balanced diet they remain healthy. But imbalance happens when out of love, child is over fed or even forced fed out of love in initial years, then over eating becomes the need of the child leading to health issues at tender age... Same goes to support that we provide to child, out of love we may end up doing everything for the child thinking they are small and we rob their opportunity to learn to be independent and later we burn out and end up being like a turbulent river...

Similarly, Excessive support with lots of expectations can be compared to an imbalance diet like feeding child  with fast food and then thinking why they are not up to the mark, or why overweight etc. We don’t want that to happen, right? 

In another situation children could  ‘starve’ inspite of being well fed! Why? Because some of  their ‘basic needs’ are suppressed with the high performance expectation barrier or other reasons, there could be many. 

Though intention of parents whatever the case may be is almost always in the best interest of the child. Our judgements are based on our own conditioning and biases, the same may not always hold good for our children as they are in current times much different from we have grown up in. So, Ironically this ‘best interest’  is where all the imbalances occur leading to many issues faced by the child. And these issues become more complex & quite deep rooted as a child grows into an adult. These can potentially turn into low self-esteem, lack of confidence, lack of zeal etc.  Such imbalances often create behaviour issues in childhood and may translate into personality issues into adulthood leading into self inflicting or dangerous behaviour. Situation worsens when the child had learning differences or any other such challenges .

I see this in most of the cases I deal with.  I will site some practical examples from real life situations to elaborate further:

Scenario 1: Pushing on the edge 

Parent of a child with learning differences strive to provide all round support by all means. In order to encourage the child and not let them feel they are any less then peers. The child is pushed to try harder and harder... Absolutely no problem here... unless the child gets sound bytes like “This is not tough at all... children even with lesser capability than you can do this, so you can certainly do it better” 

Problem here; it  translates to the child something like, “Oh! I can’t even do easier things, I am no good.”

Or 

“I'm good for nothing, cannot even do simple things” .

The worst one: 

“I don't bring joy & pride to my parents”.

Now, we as parents may tell our child hundred times how much we love and care for them... but this interpreted learning remains with them as killer of their self esteem.. 

So what can be done:

As parents, if we can genuinely keep ourselves into child’s place and identify ourselves with their needs and feelings, that would help change the perspective. 

Try to re-phrase your sentences where you completely empathise with the child and show an understating towards their problems. Example; ‘ I understand how it feels when we are not able to do certain things as expected of us, but only the ones who try till they get it right are the winners, no matter what it takes. And I am always here when you need  help”.

Scenario 2- Well fed but Starving 

Mom complains that the child doesn't listen and is not ready to do any required activities like school homework, self-study etc but wastes  time watching TV and playing. The question is Why the child who was ever eager to learn new things as a preschooler starts doing so now at age eight or more…

Iaonnis Tzivanakis 

This scenario, reminds me to the learning I got in a very profound lecture by Ioannis Tzivanakis, I was fortunate to attend to at the recent Davis International Symposium in UK. Because it had answers to such problems! 

Ioannis, highlighted how important is attunement to inner receptivity... In simple terms: understanding and being aware of the core needs of the child and creating and environment where these needs are nurtured.

Another key point which I got as great learning from his lecture was: Let the child bloom by revealing themselves. 

Ioannis explained: learning engagement happens when curiosity is arised, creativity gets nourished, feeling of self acceptance arises, being loved and safety is provided.  

On the other hand, we avoid anything that we fear, any thing that causes confusion and we avoid boredom. All causes of disengagement.

This sounds so logical and is a natural response, but when the child expresses it in his own way, we find it illogical. 

So what can be done:

We don’t want the situation as described above where the child has reached the state of revolt as his some needs are starved, his creativity or curiosity is not fed enough.. his disengagement with activities as expected of him is result of him feeling deprived of what he wants and the expected activities do not feed curiosity etc. 

Such a child needs assurance and activity which is not inducing boredom to get engaged with. As parents only we can take clues and from child by listening intently and not judging them with our conditional biases. Let the child boom by revealing themselves.

Well…I guess this is enough food for thought to go over the holiday season. I am eagerly waiting for the arrival of the new book titled ‘ADHD decoded', by Ioannis Tzivanakis. I was lucky to have few interactions with him, any advice he makes is full of profound wisdom earned through extensive experience and deep research (you can visit his website www.tzivanakis.com). I am sure the book will have deep insights.

Ioannis Tzivanakis in Malvern, UK, 2018, Giving his lecture ADHD and Life Lessons

For people interested in more insights, I would recommend following readings:

• Strong-willed child or dreamer? 

By Dr. Dana Scott Spears & Dr. Ron L Braun

https://www.amazon.com/Strong-Willed-Child-Dreamer-Dana-Spears/dp/0785277005

• ADHD Decoded

By - Ioannis Tzivanakis - http://www.adhddecoded.com

PS-1: “ADHD Decoded" just arrived! :)

PS-2: Ioannis also accepted my request for an interview… In my blog post :)) So keep watching.. I am excited!

Fixing The Root Cause

In continuation to my previous post on 6th Davis International Symposium, UK. Here is another interesting point that I feel worth sharing with everyone –

This is from one of the lectures that Ronald D Davis gave, it was actually a Q & A session with him  (I will refer him as Ron, that is what everyone fondly calls him). When Ron speaks, every phrase is a nugget of wisdom and the beauty is the simplicity of it...This is really a profound one; he related the efficacy of the methods that he has deviced to his engineering background (another ‘wow’ moment for me; my background is same as his… :) 

Summary of what he said something like, ‘Engineers solve a problem by creating something. Then other engineers will later work on solving more problems which got created by creating ‘that' something… and the cycle goes on… but if we work to find the root cause which created the problem at the first place & fix that root cause… the problem will cease to exist.' (All my engineer friends listening…;)


I am so sure all who are reading this, are able to relate to this; our day in day out agony… At work place  or in life, where problems are everyday life reality, to find the root cause & fix that root cause is of extreme importance rather then just creating new solutions. New solutions without fixing the root issue only complicate situations sooner or later, as new solutions will have their own set of problems  induced with the root cause lying breathing there to surface in another form… it is as scary as it sounds.

In business organisations the buzz word remains RCA acca Root Cause Analysis…  at my previous  workplace I remember the emphasis laid on digging out the right root cause & fixing it, we all know when leakage is plugged at wrong place and not from the source itself, that may simply burst the pipe someday... 

When it comes to learning problems like difficulties faced in learning to read, reading comprehension , spellings, writing, understanding math, behaviour problems, attention problem etc the same concept applies. We have named these symptoms Dyslexia, Dyscalculia, Dysgraphia, Dyspraxia, ADHD and so on...  

What we see the difficulty in certain areas of learning & behaviour that itself is not a problem… it is just a symptom. Applying methods to correct the Symptom may work but for short term…. The person will keep fighting the symptom with root cause still unplugged, will eventually continue suffering in some way or the other. 

Like if your doctor only gives you painkiller when you have a headache and no further diagnosis is carried out… you will feel have false belief of being cured as along as you take headache pills & eventually even headache pills will no longer work one fine day… that time you have no choice but to go and find out root cause of the headache & get best treatment. Only sad part is the process you suffer so much pain & stress… not far to imagine other complications that may arise! Case of learning difficulty is no different....

Problem is; most parents, educators, and sufferers themselves aren't much aware, so they try their best for warding off the symptoms rather then taking root cause corrections. Root cause correction will be for life long… symptoms corrections are temporary and also not empowering! 

Fortunately Ron could figure this out an worked out the methods to correct his own problems and then later these methods as we know today have helped millions of people across the world. Davis methods always work because they address root cause & apply specific correction method based on the person’s learning styles. It also provide tools for lifelong learning. These tools allows the person to explore their creativity & analytical thinking.  

There is huge difference in knowing the facts & understanding them. Knowing the facts does not make a person essentially capable of applying that knowledge back. This is because they have not learn it though their experience rather they just know it… And many people who fail to learn with  traditional teaching methods, do so because they are wired for real learning not mere reproducing the facts…If you feel this explanation is theoretical .. let's considered example of swimming. If youdecide to learn swimming you may watch many lessons on you tube and may read books with titles ‘How to…’ you will become fully aware of all aspects of swimming, but still I doubt you will get confidence to get into water and start swimming until you take & feel the experience of swimming in water yourself… This is a physical activity so we can relate very well & identify with it better… But process of learning is same irrespective of the subject.

In methods that we teach during 5 day program, experiential learning is taught. The person learns a powerful techniques which can be applied on any subject that they want to master.

Techniques available in a five day program also helps a person becoming more aware of themselves. And that changes a lot in a person from within… 

If you are interested in learning more about these methods, please feel free to contact me would be happy to share more .

Robbed oppertunities!

Hima Das our Golden girl! Wasn't significant to most of us till yesterday, now has made our heart swell with pride and mind left wondering on her simplicity and iron gut!

The vedio clips gone viral; her final winning race, her award ceremony, where emotions rolling down her cheeks, fills my heart with range of emotions everytime I watch it.... likewise, many of us are overwhelmed...too overwhelmed!

On podium standing and watching the tricolor, with our national anthem tune  playing along... What sort of escatsy  she must be going through in this moment of glory!

My heartfelt blessings to this lovely confident teenager!

 I wonder how many of  us can actually even imagine the level of this girl's hardwork, commitment and her dedication towards the purpose of this gigantic dream!

Often, such sensational victory and the story of toil behind it, inspires many. It triggers the thinking in many of us that how such extraordinary achievements are made possible by ordinary children...

We (esp. parents) start  judging our own facilitation and our own kids in comparison! I am penning my thoughts down specially for this reason.

How Hima made this possible even though she didn't had privilege of all best eminities right from her childhood... like when fancy gym and fancy equipment to train with etc...

(This picture from National herald, speaks volumes, click on this link to see the article https://www.nationalheraldindia.com/india/the-dream-run-of-hima-das-the-golden-girl-from-assam)
So, what she has! What enables such dedication and single minded pursuit of purpose? There are obvious answers like her perseverance, discipline and all qualities we know...

I would like to throw a different perspective here; what she didn't had! What was absent which didn't prevent or deter her from dreaming and giving shape to those dreams. In my understanding these factors are--
1. Absence of loaded baggage of expectations from her providers (parents)
2.Absence of judgemental influence from her most trusted ones on her choice and her passion!

These are two prominent factor I see as common thread in all wonder achievers... just think about it, kids like her have biggest privilege;  'humble & honest support from thier parents.' Just a bit like potter making his pot! The force ought to be just there, not more; not less! which essentially means just being their for the child and not violate his rights by taking away responsibility and control  from the child, by constantly telling what to do and what not to, limiting a budding flower by our aspirations, biases judjements.

In the quest of doing best we, the urban parents provide every possible facility to our children with unsaid expectations that he should excel in life. We enrol them in all sorts of classes, put in  best schooling we can afford. We want to develop his personality, we want him to be successful. He is furnished with best equipment from best brands one can afford. We try hard and everything possible because we want him to excel in life, have respect in society...Unknowingly our precious child becomes specimen of our experiments!

If the child performs well i.e fetches medals etc we feel proud and successful! If not, then child feels guilty (&made to feel guilty/ incapable),  our prestige is hurt, we are hurt! Even if as parents we don't say anything to the child, he knows; I have not made my heroes happy. This sets in a channel of negativity; lack of confidence (we name it complacency...), feeling of being at loss (this leads to dissatisfaction). We know these are dangerous emotions for self esteem and self belief in formative years...

'Child' whom we treat as our extension, looses on the opportunity of discovering himself, being himself to know what he likes, to do what he can be best! We parents 'Rob' it from him... We teachers 'Rob' it...Our urban society 'Robs' it from him... and worst part; child is blamed for not achieving what we want him to.. oh! no! no!... failed to achieve what was best him!


Then we go on to  label these beautiful creation of God as 'lazy', 'stupid', 'complacent', 'not having fire in the belly' etc etc....! Some parents would even say “you get everything easily that’s why you don’t value it". Probably that’s absolutely correct! But the reason is not abundant availability of resources  at disposal, but absence of opportunity and freedom to explore self!

Think about it!