If you judge someone, you have no time to love them. -Mother Teresa.
We all have our own biases and judgments based on our experiences, observations and our understandings, which we consider as our ‘wisdom’. Now the problem is, these may seem as facilitating factors, but if you think a bit deeply they are infact limiting factors. More a person seem to have gained the so called 'wisdom' in life, more steadfast their judgments are! This is because we are constrained by what we already know and we make conclusions on that basis. The problem lies when one chooses not to seek information with open mind, but prefers to or is quick to assume and establish prejudices... and here arises the vicious chain reaction of misunderstandings, mistrust, anger and the spiral of all negative emotions...
Our judgments (both positive and negative) have negative effect on our decisions and decisions of the person being judged. This has significant impact on the relationships, and productivity in general. You can create a parallel in any situation be it a boss-subordinate, husband-wife, friends… but most significant in terms of impact is that of parent-child.
You will be surprised to know how judgments not only create bias but deprive mutual trust to thrive, and often result in unwarranted behaviour. I see this in many cases I come across during my counselling services. In these sessions, I conduct an informal interview in a very non- judgmental environment with parent and child separately, it helps each individual to open up and state the facts as per their own views. These conversations throw light onto many aspects and connect many dots to reveal complete picture. Below is one such peculiar case which I remember very categorically and would like share as an example.
This was around 4 years back a parent approached for correction of reading and writing problems of their very energetic and enthusiastic nine year old child, studying in grade 4.
While telling about child's behaviour mother mentioned how impertinent and insensitive attention seeking behaviour he has developed, specially towards her. She narrated an incident where how the child behaved when she had taken him for swimming along with his sister and his cousins who were at their place for holiday.
Mother narrated the incident; All four kids were swimming and enjoying the play time in the pool, suddenly she noticed her son is not there with other kids…when she asked, they too were taken by surprise, a while back they all were playing together! … they all looked around in the pool, then in changing rooms, other play areas in the club house…the search went frenetic as they couldn't find him anywhere in the club! By now she was in tears and terribly worried and started getting all sorts of negative thoughts… the club manager was equally worried & all guards were searching and looking into all corners.... And then, just as she was about to call police, she saw her son waving and coming out of the big container kept at the rear end of the lobby for wet towels. When enquired how he reached there and what was he doing in the container? The response from the son was not just quirky but beyond her imagination! He said, 'I was hiding there purposely and I am happy to see you worried and crying!'
It was but very natural for the mother to get angry and felt hurt too…
As a concerned mother she was very much worried about such unexpected behaviour!
Friends, Now I will tell you the other part, what son shared;
During the interview child revealed; he feels unwanted as mother gives all attention to his sister and fulfils all her demands all the time, whereas he is told to understand, as he is the elder one....'She ask me to wait when I ask for food even when I am hungry, at times, where as she was serving very promptly to my cousins when they were here…' There were many such complaints..the list was long!
Child shared, ‘I know my mother loves me but I don’t know why she ignores me’.
He narrated, how he once he went hiding on purpose in an empty tank, after sneaking out from the swimming pool when his cousins were here for holiday and mother had taken all the kids for swimming. He said he wanted to test if his mother takes a notice that he is missing or will realise only after reaching home. He told, he came out from hiding after hearing his mom talking to someone in chocked throat and was shouting at them that where a little child can go from the club? What is your security doing?... He said, 'I could not control his happiness to learn that mother really cares about me! But, when I told her she got very angry and slapped me in front of everyone'.
Friends, can you see how the dots connect! And what picture do you see now?
Such situations are often classified as attention seeking negative behaviour, destructive psychology etc etc.. but if we see carefully, at the root, it is insecurity! If it is addressed early then we can prevent developing them into a troubled teenager or an adult with negative mindset... If the child is facing some learning problems or have some other issues, judgemental parenting often gives the problem a different dimension.
Parents need to remove the filters of their biases in terms of assuming reasons for certain behaviours, instead they must develop a safe and trusting environment by respecting the child’s views and gaining mutual trust by talking to children and taking them in full confidence. When you are willing to listen they will tell.. when you judge them they will mask their true feelings...
Most often our judgments are derived from expectations we secretly harbor for our off -springs. Many times I hear parents saying things like; 'We both were toppers throughout so how can we expect our child to be average in academics' , or 'I am an avid reader, how come my child doesn't like books?' or 'We are a family of mathematics scholars how can I allow my child to pursue music, there is no future in it'… Once a mother shared, 'All in our family are achievers I can’t face them if my son shows such poor performance in academics'!!!
Some sound bytes for judgmental parenting most of us can identify are; ‘Don’t be lazy, finish up the home work fast’, ‘All the laziness kicks in only when it comes to studies', ‘Why you can’t get such simple stuff! Don’t fool with me’, ‘You didn't gave your 100 percent , your result is showing it!’ And many more such comments….
It would be much effective and peaceful if we help our kids setting goals & priorities, but these must be set based on child’s best interest not our own desire and wishful thinking.
I would end this article with this simple yet quite profound quote ‘Be curious, not judgemental’ by a great writer and poet Walt Whitman. If we are curious we will make all efforts to seek the information with open mind. Our decisions will be more practical and life will be peaceful for ourselves and our children.
Thank you for reading and hope you found this writeup interesting and useful.Please share it if you know it may help someone to change their perspective.
I would love to hear your stories and thoughts on this topic, you can share here in the messages section.
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