Reflections: Overdose or Under-Dose Parenting

‘When water is calm like in deep lake, we see everything clearly! But when water is turbulent like on hills/ slopes, we don't see any reflections.

Reflections in clam water; analogous to Calm Mind

Our mind is similar... if we are calm in situations, we can reflect clearly and then respond rather than reacting’ --- This was a casual conversation one morning with friends in context to some situation. I jokingly shared these photos from my gallery too.. (posting them here too...). But this thought took me to conversations  I routinely have with parents as part of the correction/ therapy programs I provide. So writing this blogpost some food for thought in holidays, hopefully when most of can be like a calm lake and can reflect...

Turbulent River; analogous to agitated state of mind

We parents most of the time, are a turbulent river... And we think our kids are driving us this way , as if they are the slope on which we are flowing! 

I guess many parents specially mothers would agree with me... but I am sure all will also agree that children only look up to parents and imitate behaviours. World doesn’t take a BIG circle here...

We know that the child is dependent on parent for love, tender care and nurturing in infancy years... these needs grow and change as child grows. Parental response changes to nurture the child. Problem arises IF parenting approach is too much or too less nurturing...

I draw the analogy of parental care & nurturing to  food & nutrition, so we can correlate better: When child is fed a well balanced diet they remain healthy. But imbalance happens when out of love, child is over fed or even forced fed out of love in initial years, then over eating becomes the need of the child leading to health issues at tender age... Same goes to support that we provide to child, out of love we may end up doing everything for the child thinking they are small and we rob their opportunity to learn to be independent and later we burn out and end up being like a turbulent river...

Similarly, Excessive support with lots of expectations can be compared to an imbalance diet like feeding child  with fast food and then thinking why they are not up to the mark, or why overweight etc. We don’t want that to happen, right? 

In another situation children could  ‘starve’ inspite of being well fed! Why? Because some of  their ‘basic needs’ are suppressed with the high performance expectation barrier or other reasons, there could be many. 

Though intention of parents whatever the case may be is almost always in the best interest of the child. Our judgements are based on our own conditioning and biases, the same may not always hold good for our children as they are in current times much different from we have grown up in. So, Ironically this ‘best interest’  is where all the imbalances occur leading to many issues faced by the child. And these issues become more complex & quite deep rooted as a child grows into an adult. These can potentially turn into low self-esteem, lack of confidence, lack of zeal etc.  Such imbalances often create behaviour issues in childhood and may translate into personality issues into adulthood leading into self inflicting or dangerous behaviour. Situation worsens when the child had learning differences or any other such challenges .

I see this in most of the cases I deal with.  I will site some practical examples from real life situations to elaborate further:

Scenario 1: Pushing on the edge 

Parent of a child with learning differences strive to provide all round support by all means. In order to encourage the child and not let them feel they are any less then peers. The child is pushed to try harder and harder... Absolutely no problem here... unless the child gets sound bytes like “This is not tough at all... children even with lesser capability than you can do this, so you can certainly do it better” 

Problem here; it  translates to the child something like, “Oh! I can’t even do easier things, I am no good.”

Or 

“I'm good for nothing, cannot even do simple things” .

The worst one: 

“I don't bring joy & pride to my parents”.

Now, we as parents may tell our child hundred times how much we love and care for them... but this interpreted learning remains with them as killer of their self esteem.. 

So what can be done:

As parents, if we can genuinely keep ourselves into child’s place and identify ourselves with their needs and feelings, that would help change the perspective. 

Try to re-phrase your sentences where you completely empathise with the child and show an understating towards their problems. Example; ‘ I understand how it feels when we are not able to do certain things as expected of us, but only the ones who try till they get it right are the winners, no matter what it takes. And I am always here when you need  help”.

Scenario 2- Well fed but Starving 

Mom complains that the child doesn't listen and is not ready to do any required activities like school homework, self-study etc but wastes  time watching TV and playing. The question is Why the child who was ever eager to learn new things as a preschooler starts doing so now at age eight or more…

Iaonnis Tzivanakis 

This scenario, reminds me to the learning I got in a very profound lecture by Ioannis Tzivanakis, I was fortunate to attend to at the recent Davis International Symposium in UK. Because it had answers to such problems! 

Ioannis, highlighted how important is attunement to inner receptivity... In simple terms: understanding and being aware of the core needs of the child and creating and environment where these needs are nurtured.

Another key point which I got as great learning from his lecture was: Let the child bloom by revealing themselves. 

Ioannis explained: learning engagement happens when curiosity is arised, creativity gets nourished, feeling of self acceptance arises, being loved and safety is provided.  

On the other hand, we avoid anything that we fear, any thing that causes confusion and we avoid boredom. All causes of disengagement.

This sounds so logical and is a natural response, but when the child expresses it in his own way, we find it illogical. 

So what can be done:

We don’t want the situation as described above where the child has reached the state of revolt as his some needs are starved, his creativity or curiosity is not fed enough.. his disengagement with activities as expected of him is result of him feeling deprived of what he wants and the expected activities do not feed curiosity etc. 

Such a child needs assurance and activity which is not inducing boredom to get engaged with. As parents only we can take clues and from child by listening intently and not judging them with our conditional biases. Let the child boom by revealing themselves.

Well…I guess this is enough food for thought to go over the holiday season. I am eagerly waiting for the arrival of the new book titled ‘ADHD decoded', by Ioannis Tzivanakis. I was lucky to have few interactions with him, any advice he makes is full of profound wisdom earned through extensive experience and deep research (you can visit his website www.tzivanakis.com). I am sure the book will have deep insights.

Ioannis Tzivanakis in Malvern, UK, 2018, Giving his lecture ADHD and Life Lessons

For people interested in more insights, I would recommend following readings:

• Strong-willed child or dreamer? 

By Dr. Dana Scott Spears & Dr. Ron L Braun

https://www.amazon.com/Strong-Willed-Child-Dreamer-Dana-Spears/dp/0785277005

• ADHD Decoded

By - Ioannis Tzivanakis - http://www.adhddecoded.com

PS-1: “ADHD Decoded" just arrived! :)

PS-2: Ioannis also accepted my request for an interview… In my blog post :)) So keep watching.. I am excited!

Judgements cost heavy!

If you judge someone, you have no time to love them. -Mother Teresa. 

As I read this quote by Mother Teresa it occurs to me; great souls draw their wisdom out of compassion and empathy for fellow humans. The wisdom, that most of us common humans lack! The irony is that it is we who need it badly! We all have our own biases and judgments based on our experiences, observations and our understandings, which we consider as our ‘wisdom’. Now the problem is, these may seem as facilitating factors, but if you think a bit deeply they are infact limiting factors. More a person seem to have  gained the so called 'wisdom' in life, more steadfast their judgments are! This is because we are constrained by what we already know and we make conclusions on that basis. The problem lies when one chooses not to seek information with open mind, but prefers to or is quick to assume and establish prejudices... and here arises the vicious chain reaction of misunderstandings, mistrust, anger and the spiral of all negative emotions... Our judgments (both positive and negative) have negative effect on our decisions and decisions of the person being judged. This has significant impact on the relationships, and productivity in general. You can create a parallel in any situation be it a boss-subordinate, husband-wife, friends… but most significant in terms of impact is that of parent-child.  You will be surprised to know how judgments not only create bias but deprive mutual trust to thrive, and often result in unwarranted behaviour. I see this in many cases I come across during my counselling services. In these sessions, I conduct an informal interview in a very non- judgmental environment with parent and child separately, it helps each individual to open up and state the facts as per their own views. These conversations throw light onto many aspects and connect many dots to reveal complete picture. Below is one such peculiar case which I remember very categorically and would like share as an example.  This was around 4 years back a parent approached for correction of reading and writing problems of their very energetic and enthusiastic nine year old child, studying in grade 4.  While telling about child's behaviour mother mentioned how impertinent and insensitive attention seeking behaviour he has developed, specially towards her. She narrated an incident where how the child behaved when she had taken him for swimming along with his sister and his cousins who were at their place for holiday. Mother narrated the incident; All four kids were swimming and enjoying the play time in the pool, suddenly she noticed her son is not there with other kids…when she asked, they too were taken by surprise, a while back they all were playing together! … they all looked around in the  pool, then in changing rooms, other play areas in the club house…the search went frenetic as they couldn't find him anywhere in the club! By now she was in tears and terribly worried and started getting all sorts of negative thoughts… the club manager was equally worried & all guards were searching and looking into all corners.... And then,  just as she was about to call police, she saw her son waving and coming out of the big container kept at the rear end of the lobby for wet towels. When enquired how he reached there and what was he doing in the container? The response from the son was not just quirky but beyond her imagination! He said, 'I was hiding there purposely and I am happy to see you worried and crying!'  It was but very natural for the mother to get angry and felt hurt too… As a concerned mother she was very much worried about such unexpected behaviour! Friends, Now I will tell you the other part, what son shared; During the interview child revealed; he feels unwanted as mother gives all attention to his sister and fulfils all her demands all the time, whereas he is told to understand, as he is the elder one....'She ask me to wait when I ask for food even when I am hungry, at times, where as she was serving very promptly to my cousins when they were here…' There were many such complaints..the list was long!  Child shared, ‘I know my mother loves me but I don’t know why she ignores me’.  He narrated, how he once he went hiding on purpose in an empty tank, after sneaking out from the swimming pool when his cousins were here for holiday and mother had taken all the kids for swimming. He said he wanted to test if his mother takes a notice that he is missing or will realise only after reaching home. He told, he came out from hiding after hearing his mom talking to someone in chocked throat and was shouting at them that where a little child can go from the club? What is your security doing?... He said, 'I could not control his happiness to learn that mother really cares about me! But, when I told her she got very angry and slapped me in front of everyone'. Friends, can you see how the dots connect! And what picture do you see now?  Such situations are often classified as attention seeking negative behaviour, destructive psychology etc etc.. but if we see carefully, at the root, it is insecurity! If it is addressed early then we can prevent developing them into a troubled teenager or an adult with negative mindset... If the child is facing some learning problems or have some other issues, judgemental parenting often gives the problem a different dimension.  Parents need to remove the filters of their biases in terms of assuming reasons for certain behaviours, instead they must develop a safe and trusting environment by respecting the child’s views and gaining mutual trust by talking to children and taking them in full confidence. When you are willing to listen they will tell.. when you judge them they will mask their true feelings...  Most often our judgments are derived from expectations we secretly harbor for our off -springs. Many times I hear parents saying things like; 'We both were toppers throughout so how can we expect our child to be average in academics' , or 'I am an avid reader, how come my child doesn't like books?' or 'We are a family of mathematics scholars how can I allow my child to pursue music, there is no future in it'… Once a mother shared, 'All in our family are achievers I can’t face them if my son shows such poor performance in academics'!!! Some sound bytes for judgmental parenting most of us can identify are; ‘Don’t be lazy, finish up the home work fast’, ‘All the laziness kicks in only when it comes to studies', ‘Why you can’t get such simple stuff! Don’t fool with me’, ‘You didn't gave your 100 percent , your result is showing it!’ And many more such comments…. It would be much effective and peaceful if we help our kids setting goals & priorities, but these must be set based on child’s best interest not our own desire and wishful thinking. I would end this article with this simple yet quite profound quote ‘Be curious, not judgemental’ by a great writer and poet Walt Whitman. If we are curious we will make all efforts to seek the information with open mind. Our decisions will be more practical and life will be peaceful for ourselves and our children. Thank you for reading and hope you found this writeup interesting and useful.Please share it if you know it may help someone to change their perspective. I would love to hear your stories and thoughts on this topic, you can share here in the messages section.

Robbed oppertunities!

Hima Das our Golden girl! Wasn't significant to most of us till yesterday, now has made our heart swell with pride and mind left wondering on her simplicity and iron gut!

The vedio clips gone viral; her final winning race, her award ceremony, where emotions rolling down her cheeks, fills my heart with range of emotions everytime I watch it.... likewise, many of us are overwhelmed...too overwhelmed!

On podium standing and watching the tricolor, with our national anthem tune  playing along... What sort of escatsy  she must be going through in this moment of glory!

My heartfelt blessings to this lovely confident teenager!

 I wonder how many of  us can actually even imagine the level of this girl's hardwork, commitment and her dedication towards the purpose of this gigantic dream!

Often, such sensational victory and the story of toil behind it, inspires many. It triggers the thinking in many of us that how such extraordinary achievements are made possible by ordinary children...

We (esp. parents) start  judging our own facilitation and our own kids in comparison! I am penning my thoughts down specially for this reason.

How Hima made this possible even though she didn't had privilege of all best eminities right from her childhood... like when fancy gym and fancy equipment to train with etc...

(This picture from National herald, speaks volumes, click on this link to see the article https://www.nationalheraldindia.com/india/the-dream-run-of-hima-das-the-golden-girl-from-assam)
So, what she has! What enables such dedication and single minded pursuit of purpose? There are obvious answers like her perseverance, discipline and all qualities we know...

I would like to throw a different perspective here; what she didn't had! What was absent which didn't prevent or deter her from dreaming and giving shape to those dreams. In my understanding these factors are--
1. Absence of loaded baggage of expectations from her providers (parents)
2.Absence of judgemental influence from her most trusted ones on her choice and her passion!

These are two prominent factor I see as common thread in all wonder achievers... just think about it, kids like her have biggest privilege;  'humble & honest support from thier parents.' Just a bit like potter making his pot! The force ought to be just there, not more; not less! which essentially means just being their for the child and not violate his rights by taking away responsibility and control  from the child, by constantly telling what to do and what not to, limiting a budding flower by our aspirations, biases judjements.

In the quest of doing best we, the urban parents provide every possible facility to our children with unsaid expectations that he should excel in life. We enrol them in all sorts of classes, put in  best schooling we can afford. We want to develop his personality, we want him to be successful. He is furnished with best equipment from best brands one can afford. We try hard and everything possible because we want him to excel in life, have respect in society...Unknowingly our precious child becomes specimen of our experiments!

If the child performs well i.e fetches medals etc we feel proud and successful! If not, then child feels guilty (&made to feel guilty/ incapable),  our prestige is hurt, we are hurt! Even if as parents we don't say anything to the child, he knows; I have not made my heroes happy. This sets in a channel of negativity; lack of confidence (we name it complacency...), feeling of being at loss (this leads to dissatisfaction). We know these are dangerous emotions for self esteem and self belief in formative years...

'Child' whom we treat as our extension, looses on the opportunity of discovering himself, being himself to know what he likes, to do what he can be best! We parents 'Rob' it from him... We teachers 'Rob' it...Our urban society 'Robs' it from him... and worst part; child is blamed for not achieving what we want him to.. oh! no! no!... failed to achieve what was best him!


Then we go on to  label these beautiful creation of God as 'lazy', 'stupid', 'complacent', 'not having fire in the belly' etc etc....! Some parents would even say “you get everything easily that’s why you don’t value it". Probably that’s absolutely correct! But the reason is not abundant availability of resources  at disposal, but absence of opportunity and freedom to explore self!

Think about it!

Enhance Learning Potential right from EarlyYears!

What will you find in this article  --
1. Symptoms in Pre-reading years.
3. Recent Research references in early detection and Need of early intervention.
4. Learning enhancement Programs.
____________________________________________________________

We all are aware how critical is the gift of learning to lead a happy life! For some people it becomes little more challenge as their needs are different in terms of learning style. Though dyslexia is a gift because of the creative and out of the box thinking style, it poses learning difficulty. Often come across as reading fluency, spelling and words decoding difficulty. (you can refer these links for more details - symptoms of dyslexia, informal assessment )

As per the sources, 17 to 21% of the population is effected by Dyslexia. Lack of right support and help is hugely detrimental and is an opportunity loss for the bright child to flourish in life. Parents generally tend to ignore or want to stay in 'Ostrich mode' and most of the times are ignorant on the symptoms which can be noticed and appropriate corrective action can be initiated. There is big need for the means of early detection and awareness about the correction methods.

Lately, lots of studies are being conducted and research papers are published which suggest that dyslexic traits exists can be identified early on.

Boston Children's hospital is conducting research to establish that dyslexia can be detected in pre-reading years and as early as in infancy stage, with the aim to identify early neural markers of dyslexia among the kids. The site quotes, "Researchers have shown that the brains of children and adults diagnosed with dyslexia are organized differently than those of other people the same age, and have also provided evidence that susceptibility to dyslexia may run in families". 

Hope, such test soon gets available to public as a common test and children at risk can get appropriate help in pre-reading years.

Dyslexia is characterized by difficulty in decoding the phonetic sounds. Some of the typical symptoms parents can watch out during pre- reading years -If the kid is having difficulty in learning nursery rhymes but other things he is quick to learn. Second lead could be difficulty in associating starting letter of the words example failing to relate that word Table is starting with T, and the kid otherwise generally shows sign of brilliance. If these symptoms are observed then that kid might be a dyslexic thinker and early right help would help. 

Davis Learning Strategies is one such program, which works as prevention for 'at risk kids'' and enables life long self learning. This program is effective for not just children who are at risk but enhances potential by enabling self learning in typical not at risk kids also. The beauty of the program is that it is all fun and kids love it!  

Now coming to the effect of unattended dyslexia; A paper published in The Journal of Pediatrics in 2015, an extensive ongoing research over many years, gives scientific and statistical proof for the need of early correction. The paper quotes,"As early as first grade, compared with typical readers, dyslexic readers had lower reading scores and verbal IQ, and their trajectories over time never converge with those of typical readers. These data demonstrate that such differences are not so much a function of increasing disparities over time but instead because of differences already present in first grade between typical and dyslexic readers." 

Below are the graphs showing the comparison of typical and Dyslexic kids. It shows the reading skill gap consistently exists till higher grades and how the IQ gap widens with the increasing grades. 

Comparison of Reading skills

The study was conducted on 414 participants from 1st to 12th grade and test were conducted on two groups dyslexic readers and typical readers and these tests were followed every year.

Comparison of Verbal IQ

Link for reference to this paper is given here   http://www.jpeds.com/article/S0022-3476(15)00823-9/abstract.

But there is no reason to lose heart if you or your loved one is facing this difficulty. Davis^TM

programs are very effective correction methods as these help alleviating the root cause of dyslexia and enables the person to realize his full potential in life.

If you feel you or anyone you know need help feel free to contact me!

Thanks for taking time to read this article. It will be helpful if you leave your comments and also let me know if you find this article informative and useful.